Brave the Bully for Parents

What parents should know about bullying.

I began my research on Bullying when I opened my Martial Arts School in 1999.  It was the same year that bullying contributed to the tragic massacre at the Columbine High School.  Every week I have parents of my students come to me for advice on how to handle bullying situations with their children.  Often when I ask them how they would like to see their child handle the bully, the Dad who wants the child to fight, while the Mom wants the child to walk away.  In my experience, both of these choices can make a bad situation worse.

In my Brave the Bully™ course, I teach the kids practical and simple ways to:

A.C.T.™ - Avoid, Communicate, Techniques

Avoid: When we are aware of Bullying, often we can stop it before it starts.  We teach simple strategies to avoid becoming an easy target.  We can always control our behavior.

Communicate:  If approached by a Bully, we teach the child to use assertive (not aggressive) language to neutralize the bullying

Techniques: When facing danger, and a child cannot escape, a child needs to know how to defend him/herself.  In my experience, when I child knows self defense, their confidence increases and they become target less.

I’d like to share some basic information about bullying and how parents can recognize if their child is a target of bullying.  Bullying has two key components: repeated harmful acts and an imbalance of power. It involves recurring physical,verbal or psychological attacks or intimidation directed against a target who cannot properly defend him/herself because of size or strength, or because the target is out numbered or less psychologically resilient.  Bullying includes assault, tripping, rumor-spreading, isolation, demand for money, destruction of property, theft of valued possessions, destruction of another’s work, and name-calling. Other bullying includes sexual harassment (exhibitionism, voyeurism, sexual propositioning, and sexual abuse involving unwanted physical contact), ostracism based on perceived sexual orientation, and hazing. Parents should note that not all taunting, teasing and fighting among school children constitutes bullying. Two persons of approximately the same size or strength (physical or psychological) fighting or quarreling is not bullying. Rather, bullying entails continual acts by someone perceived as physically or psychologically more powerful.

Bullying is known to have long-lasting harmful effects, for both the target and the bully. Without intervention, bullies are much more likely to develop a criminal record than their peers. The targets of bullying suffer psychological harm long after the bully stops.  In fact, two thirds of attackers in school shootings had previously been bullied. This experience appears to have been a major role in motivating the attacker. International research suggests that bullying is common at all grade levels, but most frequently during elementary school. It occurs slightly less often in middle school, and less so but still frequently in high school. High school freshmen are particularly vulnerable.  Kids who are being bullied often tell no one about their misery out of shame, fear of retaliation or being considered a snitch, and feelings of hopelessness.

How can parents know if their child is the target of bullying? Some signs to watch for include:

• Subtle changes in behavior (withdrawn, sensitive, anxious, preoccupied)
• Demonstrates a loss of interest in school and in favorite activities
• Comes home from school with bruises and scratches, torn or dirtied clothing, or with missing or damaged books and property
• Loss of appetite
• Excessive trips to the school nurse
• Inability to sleep, bad dreams, crying in sleep
• Repeatedly loses clothing, money or other valuables
• Appears afraid or reluctant to go to school
• Has repeated headaches or stomach aches, particularly in the morning
• Chooses a roundabout or strange route to and from school
• Feels lonely
• Reluctant to take the school bus

There are a number of techniques that can help your child deal with a bully. At my martial arts school, students learn many physical self-defense skills to give them confidence to be able to defend themselves in dangerous situations. Just as important, kids need to understand that “mental self-defense” and non-violent alternatives are the best ways to approach handling conflicts with a bully – before they become physical.

If you are interested in learning more about helping your child Brave the Bully, you can sign up to my email list or contact me directly to be notified when my next course will be conducted.  I teach this course to kids and parents at my academy.  I also teach my Brave the Bully™ course in the elementary and middle schools.

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